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| Si and Johan, Les Evaux. |
1: I only blog properly (as in regularly and in a way that I enjoy) when Traveling.
2: I only blog properly when single.
This worries because it may mean that I use blogging as a substitute for geographic security and emotional intimacy, which could mean that I don't really feel like I have a home and want a spouse who just lets me talk all the time and only replies to me through comments left after the fact...
or it could just mean I express myself clearer when I'm on the move?... (sigh)....
In other, more valuable news, establishing a relationship with Simon has been a pretty rich experience. I've been here a month and I feel like we have a relationship now, between us and not necessarily dependent on others and learning about how to build rapport non-verbally has been both challenging and ...exhilarating? That's probably the wrong word but I can't really think of a better one. Which given where I'm going with this is somewhat apt.
I'm good at people, partly because I think they are awesome, every single one of 'em a miracle! Seriously, have you seen your brain? Trust me it's awesome. I've worked at this, no master manipulator me, but I consider the paying of "high quality" attention to people to be skill, one that I enjoy practicing, and one that I very much hope to get better at as opportunities present them selves. I must state at this stage, that I'm full sure there are a ton of folks out there who will think what I have just said is both incorrect and arrogant, and they're right, I'm an arrogant tit, and thats why working at the skill of really exchanging attention with people is so important to me, because big parts of it don't come naturally to me, it's challenging.
The tools I use for this however, like humour, eye contact, physical gestures or contact, they don't really mean a huge amount to a mostly non verbal autistic person. Simon's language use is very dependent on his emotional well being at any given time, at times he is smiley, quiet and affectionate, at others he is emitting a high pitched whine similar to a baby's cry, but coming from a 22 year old voice box, at then again he can make noises that, once you know him you know, mean things; approximations of words, or just sounds he likes you to make and he wants you to make with him. And at worst there are expressions of pain, or rage or frustration that are very difficult to deal with. Difficult because it is very hard to know whats caused it and how you can help, and that causes greater frustration, and sometimes the only way he can express that is physically, and he's very very strong.
Getting to know Si has seemed to me to be an exercise in listening and repeating, in appropriately matching what is coming from him and trying to echo or respond as it's needed. This very clearly links to the pattern matching and mirroring used for rapport building in counseling, but with counseling you can use words, explain how you feel, or what you want or and idea, here, for the most part its seems, like there aren't any. Si responds to how you respond to him, to his joy or his pain, to his affection or his confusion. Not the words you use in response, but to the way your muscles move, to the shape your eyes and mouth take, to the position of your hands. And even then, all this only happens when he is "externally focused", which, in fairness is most of the time with Simon. The locked compulsive behavior seems to come in bursts, when overly tired or stressed, but he does seem to look outside him self, even if whats stressing him is a part of his physical sense, I think the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far is Simon with a full blown headache.
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| Taking a photo of that smile is tough, but it's here if you look |
It's a new experience for me, trying to figure out how I can internalize and use it is somewhat challenging, but probably vital.
Yesterday Simon and I went on a walk, on a route he know's well, in the middle of which is a restaurant that sells chips, so Simon likes it, The photo above is taken on one of the last stages of that walk. It was a walk with Si, parts were good, parts were bad, but the most interesting thing was how Johan (one of the people who works with Si) responded. He recognized that Si wasn't just complaining, or playing with sounds, he recognized that Si was in discomfort, from the sound, the look in his eyes, the frequency of his compulsive behavior and the length of his rest periods. Thats the level of subtlety that I would like to reach, but that only comes with time I suppose. It's great to know that you can get there, it just means I have to be one Humble Mo-fo though.
During one of the rest periods on this walk, I found myself on my own waiting for Si and Johan to come out of the restrooms, and a young girl, no more than 3 and a half, who had seen Si upset earlier in the day and then seem him happy and "singing" to himself later on asked me what he was doing, in french. I responded in french, I explained that he was whats called an Autist, and that means he see's the world differently and can't speak like we do. She then explained that I was crushing the flowers because I was to big, and, upon my apologizing and moving, she explained that she could sit there because she was smaller then me, and that the other people were her mom, her De-De (I believe her aupair) and her petite soeur, that her name was Lisa and that she would like to know my name.
Lisa is pictured below just before she said good bye to me in perfect english.
Lisa is Awesome.
"It's more than acknowledging the nobility of others. It's about Humility, it's about knowing, when you get on a train, that any of those "others" around you could improve your understanding..."
Natasha Robinson, 27th April 2012... Any day with a conversation like that is a good day.
Oh also! I found the blog of an awesome friend of mine, you should check it out it has much awesomeness on it. www.apresnovembre.com.
